It felt right to tell this story as a podcast. So that’s what I did. Listen as you like. It’s raw, soulful and beautiful. 55 min. . .
Cover Photo: Liz Barclay
It was an early morning in late summer. A Sunday. Clean white sheets. Love those. Dim light at dawn peeking through my shades. My eyes had yet to open, but I felt him alright. It had been going on a while. I sighed. “Who is here before my eyes even open?” I self query in a dreamy, mild exasperation. Another sigh. I just wanted space. The summer had been biblical.
He gets louder.
“What the f%ck?!” I half whisper to myself.
“Honey, what do you want? Use your words, like… just call me,” I ask/command him in my silent mind. I feel an intensely emphatic presence and I know exactly who it is. I turn my head, open my eyes and realize someone’s energy is REALLY trying to get my attention. I burst up in bed as if I’ve had enough.
“H%%K!” I exclaim, “What is going on?!” I feel his presence next to my bed and, no— there is no physical body. I had been feeling him for a good year on and off, but we hadn’t spoken in a while. The last moment we had was a beautiful conversation as I was hiking through the woods in northern Arizona alone. And the last six months, the feeling of his presence and desire to connect had become more intense. I knew something was up. And I knew he wasn’t reaching out for a reason, but that he wanted to. “Well, he’s a grown man”, I thought to myself. So, I left it at that. I chose not to reach out this time. Normally I would, if I sensed him close. At least, that’s how it’s been between us for the past 13 years. Someone senses the other, and reaches out. But not this year.
All last year it was like this— I drive on the highway. His name animates my lips in a low murmur. A familiar song comes on. I see the locks of his dark hair. I think about that time in our 20s we stayed up all night buzzing and talking about life, dreams and love, while he demonstrated, through song and dance, what the current pop hits were (I never know what’s going on or who people idolize). I am in the middle of a work meeting and I see his face as if he’s right next to me. I am washing dishes and dancing after dinner, listening to soul music or millennial hip hop in my pink kitchen and see him pull a move. Why did you pop in here? I think to myself. Where are you anyways? I sure miss you. I honor my intuition and I know what’s in the energy. It doesn’t lie. But I didn’t understand what had happed until that Sunday morning.
I had wanted to speak to him, to hear from him. But I didn’t reach out. This past year of karmic closings, I had heard from everyone else from my past who needed to get square with me, part ways, or balance a dynamic. And he was major. A major player in my life. It was love. And he became my soul friend and confidant as I matured into who I was to become during this past chapter of life. We were never meant to be together, but the memory of what we had been in other lives bled through this one, and that deep love and and unfailing respect, that connection, always remained and permeated through the staunch walls of our egos. We were there for each other and felt our connection deeply. The telepathy was strong and the amps were mutual. It always freaked him out. How I could call it. And now, I tenderly realize the rarity of what we had. My chin quivers. Watery eyes. You see, he could match my fire. For me, a rare, rare thing to experience. I wasn’t alone, when he was around. In him, there was someone else kinda like me. Totally different brain and system, but amps like me. I get one of those soul mates every several years. I honor them with all my heart, no matter the paths taken.
I have a telepathic gift with these soul mates whose lives are divinely intertwined with mine. Most of them are men, and one is a woman. We need each other for ascension. Anyways, all this time, I was feeling him. I figured he had been communicating via energy, in dreams, and would reach out eventually. So I left it be.
Until it became too much.
That Sunday morning I had had enough. I sat up out of bed with a jolt. Called out his name without thought. I did a little research and found him. It hit me in the face and then the gut. That sinking feeling where you can’t drop any deeper into the ground. Silence and terror. Shock and numbness. The kind of gravity that haunts your insides and pulls your heart down into the bottom of a well. You can’t feel your feet or body and you want to disappear. Or maybe, like punch someone.
He was dead. I found the obituary. I missed the funeral. He was 43 years old. He died on the 4th of July, suddenly. And the truth is that I couldn’t tell the difference between someone’s talking to me from the Earth realm, or a higher realm. I am still sitting with that.
He was dead. And he was right there talking to me. I was in shock. And went through the entire grief process like a rocket spinning into waves of emotion. On my knees. Slamming the counter. Lost and alone. I know the grief will continue. But the day the news hit, and it hit from the astral, straight from the horses mouth, everything just stopped. No clock. No tick. Just vapor and white.
Why didn’t I reach out? Why didn’t you? Why did you fucking die you asshole! Why are you so chill and acting cool? And why do you need to talk to me? What is going the fuck on? Why are you dancing right now and being funny? Why are you trying to make me laugh? Wait that’s actually funny. Do you think this is a joke?
He is serene and comes closer. He takes his old image. He was beautiful. I mean, he was something else. Hot.
Now I am laughing and crying at the same time.
Questioning my sanity, I put up a wall and pretended I couldn’t see him or feel him or hear him. But he didn’t let me pretend.
This gift, man…
I spend the next week in communication with him. He explains some key things about our relationship that caused me to have a deeper understanding of love, life, myself and death. It’s weird to have a great soul love die so young, so beautiful and rare a being, and then to be in communication with them personally from another dimension. But you know they say those wild ones die young. The ones with true fire. Hot and holy powerhouse. He had so much to give and offer the world. You just don’t meet people that free and enthusiastic anymore. He was from another time. We are from another time, I guess.
He wanted me to know something. I wondered why.
He said to me, you are pure love.
A little girl’s face. Hot tears. You can see me, I thought to myself.
He kissed my lips with an etheric touch. Light silhouettes moving to create the shape that was him. An energetic warmth in the moving image of what humans call a kiss. A sign of love, intimacy and deep connection. And I remember the very first moment we met. I’ll never forget. I was 26. When someone is important to my life story, my eyes hone in on them like a camera lens zooming into tunnel vision. The first time I saw him I smiled so big and started laughing. And that characterized what we are. I love my camera eyes.
Then he said, I was afraid of love.
I couldn’t stop crying. He went on to say, You were and are valuable and important to me. You need to understand your impact on people. My awakening called me back to God. Your final awakening calls you back to the world. Do not be afraid of life.
He goes on to demonstrate freedom: flying, dance, joy, fun, excitement and all that exists beyond this plane. He was so happy. He was everything he was here and more in the realms beyond!
Then he showed me a visual. Maybe he knew I would write this newsletter. Okay I am getting a nod. He was a brilliant writer. Genius. Someone whose intellect and being I truly respected.
He showed me his heart. It was beautiful and so widely open and expansive for the most part. But then, there was this smaller dark part that would not move into the light. He pointed at that. Via frequency he said, and I am paraphrasing here, we cannot achieve true freedom without fully opening our hearts. And I couldn’t do that here. I needed to do that with God.
I asked why he died. He said he was complete and learned all his lessons. And I guess I was one of his big life lessons. I asked why he’s hanging around. He said unfinished business. I knew not to pry. He said he would be with me like a guide. JH is going to guide and protect me? I have prayed for protection, deeply. I didn’t realize it would come from the other side in this way. When I have fought with my soul mates or gotten into arguments, I will exclaim with an impassioned and spicy temper, you know we are going to high five in heaven you fool and none of this matters!!!!
I was right. Damn…
He told me little things about myself, the kind of man I need for instance. He said you can be such a recluse you need someone that will bring you out so you can shine, not hide you under a rock. He was referring to someone he does not like for me. Message received.
He said, Nothing is in your way. Keep going. I am gonna help you.
He was really good at business and would always help me with a meeting or call anytime I needed support on how to handle something in New York. But here, he is referring to my secret dreams. As he says this, I feel life force. Enthusiasm. I was concerned about some of my plans that had come undone. But, it’s looking they were meant to so that I could be free. God’s plan is always better than my plan.
I felt his silliness. I felt his love and his freedom. All that matters. Love and freedom. The energy he gave was like— its all cool and nothing matters and everything matters. Everything you did matters. Every moment counts. He was still the same. I knew his nature.
From the upper room, the light of his soul illuminated the hidden beauty I had stored in a banked ocean reservoir in my heart. A secret castle I don’t share. He lead me back to that self. I stayed in the energy of this connection and had many visions of what was to come and why.
But for that day, I was feeling super low. He was adamant that I hike and not stay in bed after hearing this news. Get up. Get out. Live. I didn’t want to, but I did. He came with.
I was invited to a party. New people. New friends. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to be a hermit like usual.
He said you have to go.
I said I am depressed.
He said he didn’t care and to stop acting like I am depressed. If I stopped acting like it I wouldn’t be it. Act like something else. And be that. I said, that’s fucking fair. Ok. Old school. Get the fuck up. Act like it until you are it. I resonate.
I said okay I’ll go dancing and talk to people.
He said you’ll like them.
He said we could talk anytime because I have the gift, so let’s just rock and roll and have the relationship we couldn’t have with his closed heart in this most recent Earth life. The love and the energy is what’s true. That’s what matters. I knew it when I saw him. I knew it when he died. I’ll know it when I ascend. Our bodies are beautiful vessels and we are blessed to have them. We couldn’t be here playing with eachother, learning and experiencing without them. But they decay. The soul does not. He said he would come out with me and be my escort. It would help with my nerves around meeting new people.
Besides, he said, see that timeline over there. That’s ours. We can visit it anytime you need to feel the safety, warmth and love of a true family life, of true love.
I cry again, wondering if I can handle looking at that life of simplicity and joy. Sometimes it isn’t the pain that overwhelms us. That scares us, it’s the love. It’s the beauty. It’s just how right we were.
I said okay I’ll go dancing and talk to people.
He said you’ll like them.
I said I’ll wear something low key. He said no. Wear the fire-engine red, skin tight dress. Black boots.
I said everyone will look at me.
He said, exactly. Enjoy it.
So, I did exactly that. I enjoyed letting him direct from the other side. I brought the amps and the Light. I talked to tons of people. He was right. I had fun. Creatives. Cartoon like people. People that have nothing to prove. I like authentic people who feel like freedom. I could be me and just dance without explaining myself. I love that.
I had fun, but every so often would shed a tear. I missed him. At the end of the night, the DJ played our song. I hadn’t heard it in maybe 10 years. I’ve never heard it out at a bar or lounge or club. The glitter in my blood was singing. The fire in my heart was alive. Dancing and crying at the same time, he was right there with me. He promised it was going to be alright. I am exactly where I need to be. The right people are coming in. The right ones are coming back.
He said trust yourself. You know. You always knew. I didn’t know who you were or what you could do. He thanked me for helping him. I help sometimes when I know I am supposed to. it’s between me and God. But it was nice that he thanked me.
He wanted me to understand that you, me, we, all of us, we are always placed exactly where we need to be to plant seeds of Light. You have to trust yourself.
My friends, I share the story of my soul friend because it teaches a great many things. Here’s my list of truths for the day.
There is no death, only transformation. No one leaves us. We keep on rocking and rolling.
Earth is school.
All the things you know deep down to be true, are.
Take pop psychology with a grain of salt when it comes to dating. Love is real, and it’s messy and beautiful and human. Yes, be careful and honor your boundaries. Don’t fuck with psychos. Stay high value. But understand, there is often more to the story than attachment and chemical reactions. Your ego will be ruffled. You can handle it. That’s alright. True love is real. The messy parts make us human and grow our capacity transcend bullshit with love. They help us embody love, that’s the ticket babe. It’s not about what you get but who you become because you chose love. You feel me? It’s about becoming love. People get offended and assume the other person is in error because they take other peoples spiritual paths personally.
Give light. Love. And let people walk their path. Even if they have to walk away.
A lot of people are balancing karmic stories right now, many lives and timelines rich with treasure and beauty. It is profoundly sacred and rare to meet these soul mates that help you balance your soul’s journey.
Your journey is not linear. It’s all over the place and super cool. Set your heart free and let life run!
There aren’t a million people who walk into our lives who would suit us. Romantic connection is rare, at least the kind I define as worthy. You can’t manufacture love or perform it or turn something untrue into something you want it to be. People aren’t roles to play. They aren’t checks to fit your boxes. They are universes. Act accordingly. Do not cheapen what God has given you.
Soul mates are real. Treat them well. Learn from them. Be open to the new and miraculous but do not neglect to honor and nourish the love before you.
Sometimes love is deep and real and yet— isn’t meant to be. He said, you vibrated out of my romantic curriculum. But our love was real. Were I healed, things would have been different. And yet our paths are perfect. Nothing is lost. Everything is exactly in place. More love and life to come your way… He snickered as if there are surprises for me. Rascal.
Every time we connect with someone, there is a spiritual exchange.
You can’t let someone go fully until you learn the spiritual lesson and you truly forgive them. Forgiveness is freedom. Even after death. My friend JH needed to come back to talk to me after he died because he didn’t call on Earth. Dang. Our guides are real. You gotta take care of business and if you don’t your guides will make you. Ha! How great.
If you can’t let them go no matter how hard you try, there is a reason.
If someone has amps and magnetizes you in, there is purpose. There is more to understand or balance or see.
Silence births revelation.
Everything is going to be okay. It is okay. All is perfect.
There are many realms of existence, realities and dimensions right here on this Earth plane.
Trust the path of heart because that’s all there is.
If it feels wrong and heavy, trust that. Let it go.
As soon as I could collect myself, I reached out to anyone in my energy field that I knew was on the radar. Email, text, a call, a voice note. And for those in the field whom I felt it wasn’t right to reach out— I sent prayers. I sent love. I spoke gratitude to their higher self. I journaled to assess what lesson I needed to learn from their existence in my life. And spend time excavating mindfully, demurely, the lesson from the connection.
We can have boundaries and combine them with love, and still sincerely honor people no matter what happens. Choose love in every situation and you will not accrue more error to undo. Choose love and you choose yourself. Choose love and you need not worry about failure. Believe in your knowing and trust the love within and the love that comes. Focus on that which you want to see and come to life. You are a creator. An artist. A manifestor. Your life is your canvas. You may not always get exactly what you want but you will get exactly what you need on par with who you become. Take on the consequences of being who you are. It is worth it.
So yeah, go ahead. Talk to you dead friends. And go to the dance party. Wear the red dress. Let them look. Know your impact on others, the ripple effect of your light. Fear not life, fear instead the lack thereof while in the physical body. For we are meant to animate and radiate.
Let go your fears of the world. It will continue on. We are here to enjoy the experience of life as we are all walking our friends back home to God. And now, I for sure know my prayers have been answered. I know I have protection on the other side. I know my soul mates are walking me back home. I know love is real. I know God is real. I know my power. I know it. And once faith sets into knowing, you are truly unstoppable. There is no need for faith because you already know. Thank you Life, for teaching me the truth. It was hard, yeah. But the path to heaven looks like hell and the path to hell feels like heaven. Choose wisely and know there are teams of life and light around you, waiting for you to take your place. Things change, life changes and you flow with it and through it.
With Great Love,
Kalisa
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